beautiful?

So…

A few things that are happening with A.
The first thing is that he and that girl are FINALLY together.
Its a good thing we broke off the fucking around thing, cause its good that he’s in a relationship.
The other thing is that out of the whole group going to Israel, we might end up spending the most tine together.
How do I know this?
First, the two of us along with three of our friends are in charge during the trip of planning all bus activities.
Also, A and I extending our trips for the same amount of time and are coming back to LA on the same flight, and we’re 95% sure that were sitting next to each other during the flight.
And the most obvious thing is that the two of us are hosteling around Tel Aviv for a few days. We’re trying to get others to join us because groups are more fun and safe. Especially in a foreign country. In the middle east.
Thank god we stopped screwing around, or this would not work out.

Visited my high school today

As usual, talked about the good parts of college and left out the shit I’ve been going through.
Saw my old best friend, the one who told me last night that he regrets the way he treated me last year, but he hardly acknowledged me.
I got to play clarinet with concert band, though, which was really fun. I also got to hang out with my mini me, the one with the tumblr who I try to keep an eye on. We were being… normal? It was cool.
But the whole time, I just couldn’t be as happy as I had been in the past. So, I’ve been crying in the car, waiting for my sister to finish school.
Part of the reason why is because I’m probably going to be sent somewhere to be assessed / treated for whatever it is I am going through after I come back from Israel.
And by probably, I mean definitely. I’ll be there between 3 to 8 weeks, depending on what happens. I don’t know if its just my depression getting worse or if its bipolar disorder or whatever.
No bueno.
I know I need help, but I can’t go back to college for at least a semester.
I’m a fucking college dropout.
No.
This cannot be happening to me.
I just need a fucking hug.

Text from the guy from last year who pretty much fell in love with me and then completely ignored me.

Like a really long text.
Don’t cry, Elana. You ignored your feelings, and he was upset. You deserved him acting like a dick.
Don’t keep thinking about how he was your best friend.
Don’t think about how you miss him.
Don’t think about how you sleep with the teddy bear he gave you almost every night.
Don’t cry.
Don’t you dare fucking cry.
Don’t.
Fucking.

Shit.

So, adding on to the stress that I have already been going through, I may or may not be two things which some tests can figure out.
The first is bipolar.
The second is pregnant.
I’m scared.
Dear god, I really hope that the second one is not true.
The first one would actually make sense of a lot of things.

Last night was pretty awesome

I got to hang out/sleep over with my future wifey.
We went out and smoked a shit ton of weed and blasted music from her car.
When she got the munchies, we went to baskin robbins to get some ice cream, and then just chilled in the parking lot.
The creeper from my past (no longer creeping on me, but I’ll still refer to him as such) and I were texting and we were strangely at the same baskin robbins. So, he got to meet my wifey and see her at her peak crazyness. I think she might have scared him…
Later we met up with her latest hookup and I had to keep reminding her to keep it in her pants.
Anyways, we finally got back to her house without her getting laid (other things did happen with them, though, so I ended up smoking a bowl outside to give them some “space.”)
Fun night, but then reality came back.
And in all honesty, the reality I have been going through is much darker than what I even reveal on here.
Its been like that since the week before spring break.
I have some explaining to do later…

Thank goodness I haven’t really unpacked

Because once again, my parents and my insanity have gotten the best of me. 

Cut off. 

The only way to go back to school is if I can get a job. 

Shaking. 

Fuck me sideways. 

Never in my life have I seen my dad cry. 

Never. 

But his tears didn’t affect me. 

The thought of being stuck here is what is destroying me. 

If I run away, will I be legally forced to move back? 

I’m 19, a legal adult, but I am not financially independent. 

Just passed Magic Mountain. Only 40 minutes until I’m out of this car.
For once, I cannot wait to see my sister; if my parents see me talking to her, they might leave me alone.